Accepting “Change” and its Effects on our Lives

The human life cycle is all about change, both on a biological level through growth and development, and on a psychological level, where environmental factors help to shape who we become. Together, they influence the quality of change we experience throughout our lifespan. As humans it is our natural tendency to fight change, often wanting to choose and control which element we experience.

For example, how many of us can say as a child growing up, we looked forward to aging? Not many of us, but age we must. If the question was reframed in this way: who, as a child growing-up looked forward to becoming a young adult; a “man” or a “woman”? Many would say yes, they had those longings. The difference in this latter example is that it offers a better reality or outcome over the former. During early adulthood you are at the peak of your life cycle with all your hopes and dreams to pursue. Yet, aging is a profound and significant change in human development, it represents the later period of your life, one that we do not readily accept.

Change happens whether we want it to or not and it can be positive or negative depending on our evaluation of its outcome. Consider for a moment how individuals internalise grief. Grief is an aspect of life we would rather do without. In medical science and thereby in healthcare, it is a documented fact that all individuals resist change brought about by grief. Until time allows the individual to process their “new reality” and adapt to the event, only then will acceptance follow. With acceptance on a cognitive level we can transform on a psychological, emotional, and spiritual level.

There are five clinical grieving stages that everyone experiences when faced with life challenges of illness, death, and separation. In the healthcare environment this is often referred to as “grief work.” That is, grieving follows a pattern, where one event has to be completed before the next event can begin. The order sequence may vary a little for some individuals, but the first stage of ‘denial’ is typically consistent:

The 5 Stages of Grief

1: Denial

Denial, often combined with isolation is the first reaction to a loss or separation. It is a programmed response; it is universal and human. Non-acceptance is our innate, biological (and physiological) response to protecting our “internal” world in the midst of grief. The implications of this initial denial response, on a much deeper level, suggest that it is human nature to want to control or mask our reality. How we choose to see our world and adapt to it is a universal human behaviour, and it is not wrong; it is, however, an underlying theme of life’s contradictions.

2: Anger

The next stage is anger which is an expression of pain. Anger and aggression are intense emotions that deflect how vulnerable we are feeling on the inside. It allows us to redirect the pain outwards and typically in the direction of family members, friends, even the ailing individual or an inanimate object.

3. Bargaining

This follows helplessness and vulnerability. In order to regain control we bargain. It is still a defence mechanism to mask reality and postpone the inevitable.

4. Depression

This is a purely emotional reaction and varies in intensity in individuals. Some people quietly prepare to say their goodbyes and separate from their loved ones, others may worry over the funeral costs, or the relationship they had with the person in their last earthly moments.

5. Acceptance

Not everyone reaches this stage. It is ironic that acceptance is not the first, but the final stage of grieving. We fight the grieving process with every fibre of our being to preserve a sense of self and it indicates our own fragilities, that as humans it is not natural for us to accept what we perceive as a negative change in our reality. Some people never move past the stage of anger or denial.

Positive Changes

So what about the positive changes in life and our biological reactions to them? Positive changes such as: falling in love, getting married, starting a family, graduating from college, and purchasing the first home are what we all hope and strive for in life. These fulfilments are what produce joy and happiness. These are the changes we are willing to accept in life. They uplift our spirits, increase the “feel-good” chemicals in our brain and put our bodies in a balanced, homeostatic state that is healthy for us.

If we never encounter stress and grief and live relatively happy lives would it make us healthier individuals or increase our lifespan? Less stress in our lives does influence health in a relative sense; how a situation is perceived by an individual also dictates the effect on the body and how we learn from it. Life without stressors is not a reality. Stress also influences the growth cycle, the milestones and our cognitive, emotional, and physical adaptation to these cycles.

Interestingly, our bodies are built to withstand stressors in the environment, and as described earlier we respond to crisis by first protecting our inner self, putting up a wall as a defence mechanism. We intuitively know how to maintain inner stability to a certain degree, but we need flexibility as well, as too much continual resistance has a severe ageing effect on the body. In ways that we may never fully understand, challenges in life allows us to connect mind and body in a way that adequately prepares us for the transitions of life and living in a dynamic world.

As humans we unconsciously resist changes that are ultimately good for us during our growth and developmental phase, yet this is part of life’s insistence on balance.

Birth

An infant in the mother’s womb is quite content to remain in the confines of its watery environment until full development, getting all the nourishment it needs with minimal distress. Then traumatic birthing is the beginning of a series of journeys that he/she will encounter throughout life, but this first phase, despite the stress, must first occur in order for there to be a beginning.

Rapid changes take place in a child’s formative years: they must endure teething, learning to walk, talk, experiencing separation anxieties, and being potty trained. During childhood years the child endures growing pains, is exposed to school and the challenges of being accepted among peers.

Adolescence

During puberty and adolescence hormonal changes occur. Challenges take place with the development of the reproductive system and achieving a significant milestone from childhood to teenage years. The period of adolescence is a difficult period of stormy search for oneself. The search for identity amid a world of social pressures creates a painful struggle. Additionally with the adjustment of a sexually mature body without the maturity level to match adds to the inner conflicts experienced at this phase of life. Further conflicts include past childhood insecurities brought into this phase, self-esteem issues, and the ill-prepared acceptance of adult responsibilities.

Early Adulthood

The transition of adulthood between 20 to 40 years of age is marked by financial responsibilities, career choices, social relationships, marriage and becoming a parent.

During the middle twenties most body functions are fully developed and peak muscular strength occurs. After ages 40 – 45 years height may begin to decline because of settling of spinal disks. This is also a time when lifestyle and diet influences aging.

Middle Age

During 40 to 55 years of age many individuals reflect on goals and realities, and learn how to adapt to any unfulfilled hopes and dreams, which many believe should have happened by this time. They establish new roles and relationships with children and grandchildren. Physical changes are more prominent: greying hair, redistributed body weight, changes in vision, more wrinkles, and thinning of scalp hair.

Females encounter peri-menopause. Male and female climacteric may consist of decreased libido, loss of body hair and delayed sexual function. During this time adults may engage in extramarital affairs often leading to divorce, due to an inability to cope with changes.

Elderly

At 65 years and older, how an individual responds to the age related changes visible in the mirror is related to how that individual adapted to the hurdles of the previous phases. The person who healthily adjusted to each milestone will have a positive outlook on life and will be more accepting of his/her own mortality. Successful aging depends on the individual’s capacity to cope and ability to change.

Years of living, successes, failures, strengths, weaknesses and all the early experiences influence our emotional state as an older individual. The older years should be a time of satisfaction and pleasure as we finally become comfortable with the person we have become. Adults who are dissatisfied with their accomplishments often experience conflict and despair at this late stage. Dissatisfaction contributes to a feeling of restlessness and a sense of panic that time is running out. This psychological state restricts us from accepting the final phase of our lifespan.